Have you ever gone home to visit your parents and you start acting like you did as a teenager?
I have spent months working on myself and figuring out what I want. Since January, I have been focused and driven to learn what I am passionate about and what I wanted to do in life. I was motivated, excited, and happy with myself. I had my daily rituals and practices to bring out my best self, and I was definitely on the right track.
Then we went to Mexico, and it seemed like everything went downhill.
Have you ever gone home to visit your parents and you start acting like you did as a teenager? Well, this seemed to happen. I was with some family who I have not seen in a while and – within the week! – all of my old behaviors returned. The insecurity, the anxiety, the fear, and the lack of motivation flooded back. I can say it has taken me almost a month to jump back from it.
The trip that was supposed to relax me started dwindling everything that I have been working so hard for.
While on vacation, I did not keep up with my practices. Before leaving I spent more time in nature, more time alone with my dog, doing meditation and reading. I would listen to podcasts that would motivate and inspire me to act out my goals and inspirations. I went to Mexico with more people than my introverted self could handle, received lackluster sleep, missing half my pack, to eat unhealthy food and drink alcoholic beverages. We did go off of the resort for trips, but these trips just exhausted me and the late nights did not help.
The insecurity, the anxiety, the fear, and the lack of motivation flooded back.
I came back as my old and unhappy self.
Sometimes when you leave your environment and are faced with a new one, you lose yourself for a time. Vacations help enforce that. Usually, I go on vacations and come back renewed, but that is because I did not have to think. Now, I am the type of person who wants to. I love my life right now and how I am as a person. I used to use vacationing as an escape, but not a learning experience. Now, I do not look for an escape. I look for a way to live my life without one. I enjoy thinking, hoping, and planning now, because there is something that I am fighting for. Unfortunately, this vacation set me back a few steps.
I think everyone has experienced that black hole of unhappiness where you just cannot seem to get out of it. You just sit there, with no motivation to get up and keep fighting. I came back and I found excuses for everything – including writing this blog. I was too tired, I did not feel like it, I can’t do it.
While you are in that darkness you do not realize – why not?
It has taken me a few weeks to recover from it. All I did was start again slowly. I began re-listening to the podcasts – an easy and low-energy step. These helped bring back my motivation and the realization of what I want for myself in life. Well, this brought back my insecurities. Can I do it? Well, no I do not have the skill. What if it all goes wrong? What if I am wasting my time?
So I decided to start my meditation practices again. I started going out in nature again. I retreated into my pack to help rejuvenate and calm my brain. Although these thoughts still come back, I can say that I got up from that darkness and I continue to fight to this day. I can control the thoughts better and now they are more like shadows. Actually, I think I am calmer now than when I left. I have been stricter with myself, and have made sure to give myself what I needed so that I can heal myself before throwing myself back into the water.
Sometimes you just have to retreat into yourself and your pack. They are the biggest healers, because they are your center and your anchor. When you are thrown into something that shakes you, heal yourself through yourself and through them. You do not have to go out into the world again until you are ready.
I feel strong enough now to keep going.
Have you ever tried hard for something just to lose it? How have you come back from it? Do you think it has made you stronger?